Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Open Letter to a Thief

I'd like to take the opportunity to write a letter to the @#*! thief who broke into my car sometime in the past two days.

Dear (long pause while I think of a nice way to put it) Person With No Morals:

Today, I almost got lost.

I know what you are probably thinking:  Why didn't I write down the directions?  Well, it is funny you should ask. 

Perhaps you were not aware, but today was the first day I was going to use my brand new birthday present:   my Garmin.  Not only was I very excited to try it out, but I only brought the address to West Springfield High School with me since I didn't believe I would need directions.  My Garmin would would lead me to my destination. 

Silly me.  I should have anticipated that someone like you would break into my car and steal it.  I want you to know that the Garmin you stole was a birthday present from my husband and kids.  Maybe it was just another $100 bucks to you, but to me it was a valued object and, today, most needed. 

To be fair, I think I should warn you that I've given you the Italian evil eye, or as my Grammy called it, the malocchio.  That is not a good thing.  In fact, it is the opposite. 

To go along with the malocchio, I wish the following upon you:
    il malocchio
  • Horrible luck with your gender of preference.  May they find you repulsive.  If you are married, I hope your spouse leaves you.
  • Broken bones.
  • If you have a pet, I hope it dies when you've already had a terrible day.
  • Deportation, should that be a possibility.
  • Lots and lots of jail time.
  • The stomach flu at least four times this year.
  • Horrible acne.  The white-head puss-filled kind.
I might forgive you some day, and will remove the malocchio at that time.  But don't count on it.


Beth - 1 (The malocchio works.  My Grammy said so.)
@#*! Thief - 0

Thursday, August 25, 2011


My husband and I had an important discussion the other night.

Which is the hardest:  being a nerd and having to move multiple times, or being a nerd and never moving at all?

I maintain that that being a nerd never leaves you.  Therefore, having to move once (or four times in my case) only makes life harder.  Every group of people you encounter recognizes your inner-nerd and capitalizes on it.  It isn't enough to go through it once, but the pain is multiplied over and over again.  I mean, come on now.  I know I'm a nerd.  Must I constantly be reminded of it?

Mike, however, thinks it is harder if you are a nerd and never leave your home town.  Therefore, you are consistently reminded of your nerd status by the same people year after year, who never forget.

I don't believe that.  I think those people would lose interest in your nerd status after a year or so and leave you alone.  Eventually, my husband did admit that he became "cooler" in high school, which proves my point.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same about my own situation. 

I would like to say, however, that fifteen years later, I think that being a nerd makes me who I am.  Yes . . . I like to read a lot.  I enjoy science fiction and fantasy movies and books without abandon.  I recommend them to students in the hopes that they will find the same joy I did and realize that being a nerd only makes you unique and creative. 

And in the long run, it doesn't matter.  Being a nerd as a child doesn't have to make the slightest difference in your life as an adult.  In fact, I'd like to think it enhances it a bit, for I can impart my nerdiness on others in my own small way.

Plus, my husband really loves book nerds.  Just ask him.

Beth - 1
Cool kids - 0

Monday, August 22, 2011

Latin Fusion Girl

DISCLAIMER:  I am about to complain.

I've been attending Latin Fusion (a form of aerobics) classes for about two years now.  Over the years, I've come to recognize many other regulars in the class, and even chat with them on occasion.  There is one woman, who I've labeled "Latin Fusion Girl" (LFG for short) who has particularly caught my attention.  And not in a good way.

LFG does not appear to adhere to the same socially acceptable norms that I believe in.

To begin, she either blatantly ignores the large "Water Only" sign on her way upstairs to the gym or just can't read, because she often brings her Starbucks coffee into the studio, which she then places directly on the speaker.  I am forced to smell her delicious coffee the whole time I'm working out.  One a side note, it is hotter than Hades in that room.  What the hell does she want scalding hot coffee for anyways?

LFG arrives late to class ninety percent of the time.  This doesn't stop her, however, from elbowing her way to the front of the room - to put her coffee on the speaker no less - and pushing her way in between the already crowded first row.  To her credit, she generously gives the person a choice as to which side they would prefer.  Even if there isn't enough room, she just shoves her way in, forcing the other person to move.

This isn't really LFG, but if it was, she would be in the yellow. 

As if these behaviors weren't bad enough, she has started rolling her eyes when the instructor uses a song more than one day in a row.  She is not subtle.

And if I still haven't convinced you not to like LFG, she is skinny.  Perfect body skinny.  Got you there, didn't I?

Beth - 1
LFG - 0   

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Joey on God

Joey often asks questions as I'm putting him to bed.  Tonight, I turned out the light and he said, "Mommy, can God see everything?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Even me?  Right now?" Joey asked.

"Yes," I said again.  "God can see everyone and everything."

"Wow," Joey said.  "He must have night-vision."

God's awesome night-vision glasses
Beth - 0
Joey - 1

Thursday, August 11, 2011


My son has developed an obsession with objects he calls "fluffy".  His definition of fluffy things, however, is not the same as mine. 

Beth's Idea of Fluffy Things:

Seriously?  Does this look anything like my elbow?
bunny rabbits
freshly laundered towels
eighties hair

Items Joey Deems Fluffy:
both of my elbows
both of my knees
the back of most people's arms****

I don't know where he developed this fascination with "fluffy" body parts, but his mild obsession has also turned into a security blanket of sorts. 

When he is nervous or needs reassurance, he stands right next to me and rubs my "fluffy".  This is the patch of skin on my elbow when my arm is straight.  It looks odd when he stands there and rubs it between his fingers.  And it is a bit ticklish. 

He may have crossed the line yesterday, however, when he said, "Mommy!  Feel my fluffy!" and began to pull down his pants.

Joey is lucky he is so darn cute.

Beth's fluffy - 1
Joey - 1

***This does not apply to those people who have zero body fat.  If you fall into this category, I am silently cursing you right now.  You know who you are.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

School Dreams

I know the new school year is approaching because my school dreams have started.  I thought I would share some of them with you.

1)  I arrive at school one morning to discover that I am now teaching third grade (if you don't know, I teach high school English).  To make matters worse, I actually missed the first week of school and have failed to teach the students their song for "cultural anthem day". 

Based on my dreams, I would not be surprised
if I ended up in this bus.
2)  My supervisor tells me that they are out of rooms and that I have to teach class in the cafeteria.  During lunch time.

3)  I'm back in college and discover that I have somehow forgotten to attend math class all semester. To make matters worse, it is finals week.  I'm sure you can imagine the unbridled panic.

4)  My principal, assistant principal and the head of my school district decide to observe me on the first day of school.  I've also been given a class of hoodlums who have no intention of learning, listening or behaving. 

5)  And let's not forget my favorite: the dream when I arrive at school, only to discover that I've forgot my pants.

Beth - 0
Dreams - 1

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Some Advice To Doctors

After having an upper endoscopy today, I'd like to offer some friendly advice to doctors in general.

#1 - When giving a person an IV, and they are freaking out and breathing heavily because they happen to be terrified of needles, asking them twenty times if they are sure they aren't pregnant is eventually going to elicit a snappish response.

#2 - Having any kind of procedure can be nerve-wracking.  This is not the right time to tell the patient that the left side of their face is considerably droopier than the right side of their face.

#3 - It is also not the right time to ask them if they have every had major trauma to the left side of their face when they have not.  Ever.

#4 - When taking the patient's blood pressure, it is best not to mention that they might want to consider insurance-paid plastic surgery in the future.  Their blood pressure is sure to rise.

These are just friendly suggestions, so take them or leave them.  But be aware that saying or doing any of these things might add to the patient's anxiety and low self-esteem. 
Just saying.

Beth - 0 (sad droopy face)
Doctor - 0 (meanie)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Shark Attack

In honor of Shark Week, my husband and I had a shark attack conversation today.  The question:  who would you save from a shark attack?

By save, I mean paddle yourself directly towards the attacking shark and punch it in the face, the eye, anywhere, in order to save the attackee.

The initial answer was easy.  We would save one another, our children, our siblings and our parents.

But then the sticky situation of friends came into play.  Would we swim towards a great white shark to save a friend?

Good luck buddy.  I'm swimming to shore to get help.
I'll save you the suspense and tell you that we both decided we would probably chicken out.  I'd like to think I would man-up and be brave, but I can only imagine the paralyzing fear and don't know if I could do it.

My husband wants everyone to know that outside of the aforementioned select few, he would just swim to shore and get help.

Not sure why I felt the need to share this with everyone, but should the situation ever arise, it is on the record what we will and won't do.

Swim at your own risk with the Harars.

Mike and Beth - 0
Sharks - 1