Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Open Letter to a Thief

I'd like to take the opportunity to write a letter to the @#*! thief who broke into my car sometime in the past two days.

Dear (long pause while I think of a nice way to put it) Person With No Morals:

Today, I almost got lost.

I know what you are probably thinking:  Why didn't I write down the directions?  Well, it is funny you should ask. 

Perhaps you were not aware, but today was the first day I was going to use my brand new birthday present:   my Garmin.  Not only was I very excited to try it out, but I only brought the address to West Springfield High School with me since I didn't believe I would need directions.  My Garmin would would lead me to my destination. 

Silly me.  I should have anticipated that someone like you would break into my car and steal it.  I want you to know that the Garmin you stole was a birthday present from my husband and kids.  Maybe it was just another $100 bucks to you, but to me it was a valued object and, today, most needed. 

To be fair, I think I should warn you that I've given you the Italian evil eye, or as my Grammy called it, the malocchio.  That is not a good thing.  In fact, it is the opposite. 

To go along with the malocchio, I wish the following upon you:
    il malocchio
  • Horrible luck with your gender of preference.  May they find you repulsive.  If you are married, I hope your spouse leaves you.
  • Broken bones.
  • If you have a pet, I hope it dies when you've already had a terrible day.
  • Deportation, should that be a possibility.
  • Lots and lots of jail time.
  • The stomach flu at least four times this year.
  • Horrible acne.  The white-head puss-filled kind.
I might forgive you some day, and will remove the malocchio at that time.  But don't count on it.

Sincerely,

Beth - 1 (The malocchio works.  My Grammy said so.)
@#*! Thief - 0

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