Thursday, October 6, 2011

Baking Fail

I'm just going to come on out and say it:  I can't bake. 

AT ALL.  I can't bake at all.  I burn everything I try to bake. 

I don't know why I lack this basic skill that so many women not only possess, but excel in.  So, I'm going to make a damn good attempt at blaming it on genetics by comparing myself to my family, because I want to, and because it will make me feel better.

Top 5 Reasons Why My Lack of Baking Skills Are Not My Fault, Proven Through Other Genetic Abnormalities

Evidence #1:  The "Tongue-Rolling" Gene
Everyone in my family can roll their tongue except for me.  This includes my parents, sister and children.  Somehow, this gene magically skipped over me, leaving me out of the tongue-rolling parties.

Evidence #2:  The "Everything in its Place" Gene
Everyone in my family has the "neat" gene.  Not me, however.  I seem incapable of keeping a pristine living environment, no matter how much it bothers me.  I try very hard to keep things clean, but always fail miserably.  This is noticed by everyone in my family and is the main reason I live in constant fear of "drop-in" visitors.

Evidence  #3:  The "Working-Out-Is-Fun" Gene
It isn't.  Not really.  I like Latin Fusion, but that is much more like dancing and very little like a regular workout.  I just don't like to run on a treadmill, lift weights or do push-ups.  BORING.  However, my mom, dad and sister think it is great and do it almost every day.

Evidence #4:  The "Amazing Comeback" Gene
My sister, mom and dad (and husband, though he is thankfully of no blood relation) have the ability to think of amazing comebacks on the fly.  I do not possess this gene at all.  I stammer, turn red and usually back away, floundering for something - anything - to say.  I'll eventually think of the perfect comeback . . . 20 minutes later.

Let's face it. 
We all know I got this gene.
Evidence #5:  The "Good Dream" Gene
I believe this one is pretty self-explanatory.  I don't have good dreams.  Ever.  However, everyone else in my family seems to.  Joey had a great one about visiting with Spongebob the other night, while I wandered around in the past dodging monsters as I tried to find my pants.

It may seem as if I've strayed off-topic, but there is a point to my madness.  Given the evidence above, I think it is obvious that I am seriously lacking in the gene pool, which explains why I've burned every batch of cookies I've ever made.

At least it isn't my fault.  Doesn't it feel good when you can blame your own shortcomings on your parents?  (Sorry Mom.  Don't show this to Dad)

Beth - 0
Baking Gene - 1


  1. okay - two things
    1- I want cookies
    2- have you tried an AirBake pan to make them

    okay, 3
    3- when are you bringing me cookies?

  2. I always burn myself when I bake, Mrs. Harar.


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